The Mask of Gratitude Breaking the Silence

 

Is Gratitude Just Pretending You’re Fine?

A few days ago, it felt like my chest was being crushed.

Tight. Heavy.

Like the weight of the world had decided to sit on my ribcage.

Even when Aunt Jemila asked, “Beeba, are you fine?”

I nodded.

I even said, “I’m fine. I will be fine. Alhamdulillah Rabbi Alameen.”

But inside?

I wasn’t.

Things weren’t fine at work either.

My boss? 100% angry with me.

I was overwhelmed, overworked, and deeply tired.

Yet I still put a smile on a stranger’s face that day.

Still carried my weight with grace in public.

Still tried to act fine.

Even writing this blog post today?

It’s the Almighty’s mercy.

And just the other day, one of my hiking buddies said:

“Beeba, you haven’t shared our gratitude post recently…”

I smiled.

But my heart whispered: “Because I’ve been struggling to feel it.”

The Question That Won’t Leave Me

Gratitude helps us stay grounded.

It helps us feel alive, connected, anchored.

But the question keeps rising:

“Could it be that sometimes, gratitude is just us acting like we’re fine?”

Let’s Be Honest…

Gratitude, at its core, is not pretending.

It’s not a plaster we put on our wounds.

It’s not saying “Alhamdulillah” while your soul quietly breaks.

It’s not smiling wide while silently drowning.

But sometimes let’s be real gratitude becomes a mask.

Especially in cultures, faith spaces, or families where:

You’re not “allowed” to complain.

Vulnerability is mistaken for weakness.

You're told to “just be grateful” even when you're in survival mode.

So what happens?

We say the right words.

We perform thankfulness.

We try to avoid looking ungrateful.

And slowly, gratitude stops being a practice.

It becomes pressure.

Real Gratitude Doesn’t Erase Pain

Here’s what I’m learning:

True gratitude doesn’t cancel out grief.

It sits beside it.

It whispers:

“This moment is hard.

And yet  here’s one thing I can still hold on to.

It doesn’t demand performance.

It offers presence.

It doesn’t say, “Be okay.”

It says, “Even if you’re not okay, here’s a small spark of grace.”

A Day in My Life: Gratitude vs. Coping

There are days I cope by pretending.

I move through meetings, messages, family calls mask on, shoulders tight, smile ready.

I say “Alhamdulillah”, but what I mean is:

“I don’t have the capacity to feel. I’m just trying to survive.”

But then there are other days

Days when I still feel overwhelmed,

But I stop.

I take a breath.

I remember a warm voice, a kind gesture, the laughter from the last hike.

And in that small moment, gratitude is no longer performance.

It’s a quiet homecoming.

What Gratitude Feels Like in the Body

When I fake gratitude:

My chest is tight.

My smile feels forced.

My body is in tension like I’m performing for God and the world at the same time.

But when I practice real gratitude?

It’s a soft exhale.

It’s shoulders dropping.

It’s tears mixing with joy.

It’s the breath I didn’t know I was holding finally releasing.

Between Bills and Blessings

Life right now isn’t glamorous.

I’m running two jobs sometimes three.

The economy is not smiling.

And bills?

They’re multiplying like gremlins.

But I have good health.

I have a few friends who check in, even when I go silent.

I have an employer who despite the tension still pays me.

And I have my hiking family, who remind me what peace feels like at the top of a mountain.

Those guys?

My MVPs.

Sometimes, it feels like the world doesn’t care.

And truly? Sometimes, it doesn’t look like it does.

But the Almighty sends people.

Moments.

Mountains.

Laughter.

A shared meal.

A quiet walk.

A verse.

A hug.

A cat like moori.

To say:

“I still see you.”

I Am the Definition of Grace

No, I’m not financially powerful yet.

And yes some people respect money more than humans.

But I will get there.

Because I’m not just anyone.

I am a Crystalpearl. A rare gem.

Walking in legacy.

Anchored in the unseen.

Held by grace.

Even in the mess.

Even when I fall short.

Even when I doubt.

Still, I’m here.

Still rising.

Still writing.

Maybe That’s What Gratitude Is

Not pretending you’re fine.

But realizing that even when you’re not, you’re not alone.

That grace is still around you sometimes quiet, sometimes loud.

That gratitude doesn’t demand perfection.

It just invites attention.

So if you’re reading this, I hope you know:

 You don’t have to act like you’re okay.

You can be hurting and grateful.

Confused and still curious.

Angry and still breathing grace.

That’s not weakness.

That’s being beautifully human.

Before I Go…

Let me ask you:

Have you ever said “I’m fine” when you weren’t?

Have you ever said “Alhamdulillah” while quietly breaking?

And what if… just what if...

You could let your gratitude sit beside your pain without having to choose one over the other?

Maybe that’s where the healing starts.

Not in pretending.

But in allowing.

Thanks for holding space for me today.

I’ll keep sharing.

Not because I have it all figured out,

But because stories keep us connected.

And gratitude, when it's real keeps us grounded.

With love & grace.